It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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