i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
