That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
