My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
