oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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