did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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