I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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