If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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