I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
