I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
