Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
