Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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