making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
