I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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