if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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