OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
