So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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