dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
