How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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