he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
