Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
