he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
