somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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