My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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