My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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