God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
