you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
