Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
