The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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