Kiss
Puke
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
