God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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