you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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