Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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