I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
