I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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