we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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