my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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