Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
