I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
