nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
