What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
