She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No subtext here. People are naked.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
