you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
