u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
