I hate your face
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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