I just saw a hot homeless man
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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