either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
