So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We left the knife in your bed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
