Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
