Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
