Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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